Well, it's been a while. I've been working a lot. I've decided recently to quit my job at the photography company. I hate the people I work with, someone's always on my ass for something, and I really can't express myself artistically. The "photographers" who work there know nothing about photography or their cameras. They're just there to make money. Shit, at least I'd expect them to enjoy photography. It's not something that's just a job, but they treat it like that. Anyway, I'll be starting up on a job taking photos for a movie set soon. Not a big production or anything, but I think it'll be well worth my time. I'm helping my friend write the script too. It should be really good and I won't have some asshole on my back saying I'm not getting enough shots or hussling enough. I mean, what the hell? You have to hussle to sell your photos? Should I also wear a diamond encrusted grill and tell them my hos come cheap? Other than that, everything's just peachy.

Well, my best friend Jon and I have been having a lot of tension recently. Because I met this guy, Isaac, and have been hanging out with him a lot, Jon got all weird. Like I was supposed to give up time with Isaac to talk on the phone with him. He's been giving me a lot of shit for it and I've been really stressed and it's just another thing I don't need, especially with the fact that I work a lot, am soon going to be moved from my current location and don't have consecutive days off. Anyway, today it blew up. I was in Isaac's car after talking for a LONG time with Jon last night and he kept calling me and texting me to talk to him. So I called him up and Isaac went into the video store and basically I just blew up. Jon was like "I didn't like that I felt you were leading me on and if you would have rather hung out with Isaac than talk to me, just say so" etc. And basically, I was frustrated, angry and after a few days of not enough sleep and him pushing and pushing me I had had it. I basically said we talk and talk and don't say anything and I don't want to talk anymore. Being with Isaac makes me happy and talking to him makes me miserable. I didn't really mean to say that, but I was so angry. I basically said it to hurt him. I mean, talking to him recently has caused me to be more depressed, stressed and short tempered. I don't think that can be thought of as miserable though. Anyway, I basically said I'd call him next time I want to talk. I don't know when I'm going to call him again. I don't even know if I want to. It's partly pride but it's also because I'm hurt. He has the audacity to oversimplify my emotions and my thoughts when the day before he criticized me for doing the same. I don't know what's going on. I'm just tired and frustrated. I don't want Jon out of my life. He is my best friend. But I feel like he doesn't trust me or even really know me. I have the feeling he thinks I'm someone I'm not simply because he just wants me to be this imaginary person. Bah, I guess this is a lot of bitching and moaning. I still have no fucking clue what to do. I don't know if I want to talk to Jon for a while. But I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him feel abandoned by not calling him at all. I'm just really unsure of what to do right now. Anyway, I'm going to go off and stab something.

I have a friend who takes wedding photos for Cashman photography, which is a photography company that takes photos of food, advertisements, obviously weddings, etc. They're a really awesome company in Vegas. Anyway, I turned in an application last week to be a photographer. I haven't officially heard back from them yet, but I'm pretty much guaranteed the job. I'm going to be taking pictures in nightclubs and what not. Possibly even take photos at Blue Man Group shows. The cool thing about the night club photography is there's more opportunities for work and I can work all around the strip instead of in one location (like the wedding photographers). I'm pretty jazzed about this job because not only is it taking pictures (and having fun taking them unlike my last photo job), but it's also awesome hours. I'll have a chance to sleep in. :P It sounds like it'll be the perfect job for me. I can't wait to start.

Nine Inch Nails was fucking awesome. I can't fucking stand it! The seats were just mediocre. We were closer than the average person, but it was still about 100 feet away. :( It's ok, though, Trent puts on a fucking fantastic show. His opener, Saul Williams, wasn't bad either. The friend I went with really didn't like him, but I thought he was pretty good. I dunno, there are so many moments I can just keep talking about in the concert, it was so crazy amazing. But I'm not going to bore you with it. Anyway, Trent shaved his head, and looks so fucking different. Not bad, by any means! Just really different. He moves amazingly on stage, like an animal in a cage. His body language and voice and power just emits sex and violence. I must say, I think I'm in love. :P It was fun dressing up all out to see his show too. Of course, I wasn't the most wild, by any means. ;)

So, not much has been going on the past week. I showed Kevin's mom my photos and she picked out 4 that she wanted printed to put up in her house. That was really cool. I was flattered that she wanted so many. So, I think I'll print those out tomorrow. The only thing is, now that I'm done taking 4X5 photos, I now have the medium format camera. It's not like I have to take a lot of photos. 120mm film doesn't hold very many negatives. But I don't really have any inspiration to take photos of anything. I want to do something different, but incorporate the human body like I have in the past, but I don't have any models. I'd like to make really bizarre photos of public nudity, but people are so self-conscious about their bodies. It's just really frustrating. I just feel so drained. I feel really boxed in because of the limitations on what I can and cannot do. Also, my mom read the poem that was in the Vagus Nerve and was like "that's a dirty poem, I don't like it." So now, not only do I feel like shit, I'm really pissed. She'd fucking shit herself if she saw the photos I chose to omit for her viewership. Apparently, all things having to do with nudity, sex, and the like are dirty and sinful. I just feel really goddamn shitty and it's bullshit that my mom's not like "wow, I'm glad you got your poem in this magazine!" What the fuck should I write about then?

The ironic thing is, after reading my poem today, I got this thing in the mail from poetry.com. Apparently, I'm one of about 50 people to get third place for Febuary's poetry contest. It's cool, I got a little bronze medal. I thought it was pretty cool. Anyway, I hate bitching and stuff, but I need to get it out somewhere, and why not do the stereotypical bitch to your blog thing?

After having a few confused weeks, I've finally found out that I really want to date.  Not exclusively of course, but definitely just date around.  I don't want to tie myself down to someone like I have in the past.  I've always been one to rush a commitment and then feel trapped because I pass up really good emotional opportunities because of monogamy.  Recently, something clicked in my mind.  After talking to a friend for a while who began to have romantic interests in me and I with him, and dealing through those to being really good friends, he made me realize the aforementioned.  Anyway, so I was introduced about a week ago to a friend's friend.  His name is Kevin.  He's 19, very attractive, funny, spastic, a skater, a student at the Art Institute, basically totally interesting and awesome.  He was kind enough to be a model for me for my photography class (the pictures look amazing by the way).  Anyway, after talking to him a few times, I realize I really like him.  I think it would be fun to have a nice little fling with him.  Not some heavy handed committed thing, but a more relaxed relationship.  And it would be amazing because it would be my first close-distance relationship in about 4 years.  The only thing is... I'm extremely agressive.  When I want something, I go after it, and it scares a lot of men off.  So then I try and back off and be coy and all that bullshit, but I just come off feeling like a dork.  I don't really know what to do, but the whole thing is just starting out.  We'll see where it goes.  Hopefully he's not all weirded by me. *crosses fingers*  But I dunno... I feel so much different now, like a big pressure has been lifted off.  I think I could really have fun with this guy.

So, last night I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I have to say, it was really good.  I don't think my parents dug it too much.  My dad said it was too much like Memento (which, coincidentally, I thought was complete crap).  Anyway, I was thinking, there are few movies that really express the need for people.  Basic human contact is essential in order for humanity to thrive.  Just like a baby dies if it isn't touched because it has no will to thrive, society as a whole and as adults, though we can force ourselves to overcome that, never really let go of that basic need for another person's company.  It reminded me very much of Garden State (another excellent movie).  It's better to feel even if those feelings are shitty and hurt than to not feel at all.  You can't truly experience life that way.  You can't understand how good things are without seeing how shitty they can be.  Classic Romanticism.  I guess that's my philosophy.  I am a Romantic.  I like to have the grape crushed upon the palette fine.  I like this rebirth of Romanticism in sort of avant-garde films.  I like being a Romantic, even if the majority of the world chooses to by cynics.

In conclusion, watch Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

http://www.last.fm/

So this website is really freaking cool.  You add buddies and what not, and they can see all the songs you've played that day in winamp or whichever mp3 player you use.  I think it's really awesome to see the kinds of music your friends listen to and it's a really cool way to get to know a completely different aspect of your friends.  I thought it was really cool and just wanted to share it with you all.

I'M GOING TO SEE NINE INCH NAILS ON APRIL FIRST!  AND I GOT SEMI DECENT SEATS!


lolk... just really excited.  I had a dream about Trent Reznor just before I woke up this morning.  So, it's fate.  :D  This is a shitty picture, but I'm sitting in 202 rowD seats 1 and 2.  So, basically second tier, second from the right.  I'm fucking stoked.

I was actually really upset at first because A SPLIT SECOND after I had pressed "purchase tickets" after putting in all the info, my browser crashed.  I was cursing up a storm, but checked my e-mail, and the sweet sweet loves of glory were there.  Now excuse me while I go orgasm.

Ok, I want to advise you all not to use UPS EVER!  Here's a copy of what I am going to say to them tomorrow when I call them, since THEY DON'T HAVE A FUCKING ANSWERING MACHINE!  It sucks when all your classes get out after 5.  >: (

I sent a package on the 31st to be shipped next day to a friend.  He didn't receive the package on the first and he didn't receive it on the second.  The fact that I paid $25 for next day shipping and the fact that he NEEDED THAT PACKAGE TWO DAYS AGO is unacceptable.  Not only that, but I wrote on the envelope the CORRECT ADDRESS TO WHICH MY PACKAGE SHOULD BE SHIPPED, and whoever was behind the desk didn't write down the apartment number, WHEN I CLEARLY PUT IT ON THE ADDRESS LINE!  After a prior bad experience with UPS, I wasn't going to use your services again.  However, I actually thought I'd give you another try.  Instead you've simply reinforced why I stopped using you in the first place.  How your store has turned something so simple into a complete disaster is not only unacceptable, it's intolerable.  I demand a full refund and I expect you to rectify the situation NOW!  SINCE IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AN ISSUE IN THE FIRST PLACE!  You've lost my business, the business of the recipient, and the business of all my friends because I will be sure to tell them how awful your services are.  I'm completely and utterly disgusted.

So yeah, I told you all a while ago that I was submitting to the Vegas Nerve, which is this little magazine that UNLV and the Community College get together and do every year.  Anyway, I said that if I got it in the magazine, I'd show you all the poem.  Mine was the last piece of writing in the whole book followed by one LARGE photo of Yosemite taken by my friend Louie.  If you're wondering about some of the word choices or the line breaks, this poem is in iambic pentameter, so I had to do it that way.  :P  Here's the poem:

Soft Morning Sunday

You laid me on the pillowcase. Your touch,
So soft. The tips of fingers down the side
Of my right breast. It makes my nipples hard.
Your face pressed deep into my neck. I turn
My head and welcome your impetus.
My plump, pink lips suppress a tickled smile.
We breathe each other deeply taking in
All scents, and touches arbitrarily
Placed yet feel so perfect. Heating breath,
And movement make my cheeks more pink. Brown eyes
Illuminate lunar-white skin. My hair
Gets mussed and tossed then brushed away by hands,
Your hands that see and touch and taste through tips.
They learn, remember, never to forget
What makes me twitch. I look into your face,
That gorgeous face I know so very well:
The lines that mark your smiles and your frowns,
Those brows that furrow when you think too much,
That nose that some would call a size too big.
I love it all. You dig your fingers deep
Into my hips; I run my nails slowly
Down your back; We close our eyes and choke
Back sounds unable to express. And when
The trembling subsides, we both collapse,
And smile with a sigh. Together lie
With gasps and whispers -- eventually we sleep.

School has started up again.  I really wasn't prepared to go back.  I hadn't even bought the supplies I need.  Luckily this week started off slow.  But if I'm really this lazy by the beginning of the semester, it doesn't bode well for around mid-semester.  Hopefully, I'll just get into a better groove as time goes on.  As a bonus, I only have class Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays and my Friday class is "beers," so I'm not too panicky about passing that class.  :P

I also got a wifi connector for my Nintendo DS.  Now people can visit my little town in Animal Crossing.  They didn't sell it at any of the gamestores here, so I had to buy it online.  It wasn't too bad though.  Got it all hooked up and everything now.  It just made me realize what a useless pile of shit the mall is.  Actually, most stores are useless wastelands.  I went to Borders the other day to get a few books I needed for school, books I had assumed they'd have because mythology like... oh... OVID'S METAMORPHASIS should be in stalk, right?  OF COURSE NOT!  So, after looking up to see if they had ANY of the books I needed (they didn't have ONE), I just left.  Sure, I could order the book online from your store, or order it myself for cheaper AND have it shipped faster.  Yeah, I went with the latter.  Oh, and that reminds me... I was looking for a tiger calandar for 2006.  Not any specific one, just a calandar with tiger pictures in it.  I go Barns and Noble, nothing, I go to the mall, nothing.  Of course they don't have it... but they do have TEN BILLION fucking copies of the Jewish calandar.  What the hell?  Are Jewish calandars really that popular?  Obviously not since THEY'RE ALL STILL THERE ON THE FUCKING SHELF!  So, after searching forever, I finally found some little kiosk with calandars and got one that's all artwork by Alphonse Mucha.  Lovely stuff, but I'd much prefer tigers.  But it's a damn good substitute, so I'm not that angry.  I'm just pissed at the utter piles of shit our stores have become.

Going on week 4 of Nick not talking to me.  I don't really feel sad or anything, but him just kind of going off and not talking to me at all just strikes me as so utterly and completely strange.  I'm guessing he found another girl, or something.

Finally, my photo class seems to be the one that will be the most time consuming.  I'm really excited to get back into the darkroom, but I don't know if I'll have the energy, stamina, and mental patience to really put my best effort forward.  Maybe it's because I was so unprepared for school to start back up, but I just feel drained.  Hopefully, I'll get some inspiration when I start up again.  But it's difficult and draining when I take photos.  I'm getting ideas, but when it's just me and my camera, it really sucks.  I need to get some models or something.  Anyone interested in coming to Vegas and posing nude?  I can't pay you... but... you get to be nude!  IT'S TOTALLY WORTH IT!

So yeah, pretty much these past couple weeks have been uneventful.  Just been relaxing.  Don't really want to go back to school.

Went to a party on Friday.  I've noticed now that I'm a practially full fledged computer nerd, my humor has changed a lot.  Also, I've noticed I'm much more intelligent than my friend's friends.  I made jokes that even someone SEMI-LITERATE could understand, and apparently it was too intelligent for his friends.  But, I guess I shouldn't expect much from a bunch of stoners trying to relive the glory days of highschool.  I dunno... I don't want to be a condescending bitch, but I find that when I'm put into situations like that, I'm really mean and cynical.  :/  Anyway, other than that, nothing's happening.  School's starting tomorrow.  Not really ready for it.  o_O

So, since AndrewK had never heard of Lazy Sunday (the sketch on SNL) or the Lonely Island, who created it, I thought I'd share their site with you all.  They're hilarious but very very strange.  Three of the funniest guys ever.  I recommend The 'Bu.  It's a parody of the OC.  I, personally, don't watch the show, but you can understand what they consist of.  This series is so rediculous and outlandish, but the writing is so good it sucks you in just like one of those crappy teen dramas!  Great great stuff.  :D

www.thelonelyisland.com

With the overwhelming requests for me to stick around, I guess I'm going to stick around.  I want to thank everyone for being really cool and making me feel like my little shit of a blog actually holds your interest.  :)  <3  I just hope things don't get awkward.

It's been six days and Nick's decision on whether he wants to be with me or not seems to have been made.  Saying "I don't think we communicate enough" and then having him apparently avoid me for almost a week doesn't bode well for the relationship.  Either he's too afraid to face me, or just doesn't want me anymore.  Either way, I guess that means we're over.  What a shitty fucking end to something I thought was so fucking amazing.  Jesus Christ.  I never thought this would happen.  I always thought he'd fight to be with me, he'd WANT to be with me, and to talk to me.  But the holidays go by and no call, no e-mail, no IM.  I spent New Years alone crying around 3am that he didn't give me a call.  I guess I was just diluding myself into thinking he'd see the problem.  But feeling so fucking alone and destitute in a relationship isn't a good sign for the fucking relationship.  And I don't think I deserve to be treated like I have.  I'm not a demanding person, and I don't think I ask for more than someone's willing to give.  If Nick wanted me, he would have at least attempted to rectify the situation when I told him something was wrong.  Shouldn't a man fight for the woman he supposedly loves?  I mean, am I totally in the wrong?  Well, he obviously isn't working to keep me, and, to be honest, he'd have to do something pretty fucking impressive to "win me back."  God, I hate that phrase.  I'm not a prize or anything, it's just that, he's hurt me so much these past few days.  Probably more than he could know.  I don't think I deserve that much punishment, especially for expressing my feelings about a problem.  It's the fucking holidays and I spent it crying for a man who doesn't seem to want me anymore.  Anyway, all that aside, this will probably be my last blog entry.  Nick's bro, Tim runs the site and I think it'd just be weird trying to be friendly when so much shit has gone down, and I don't want to put pressure on Tim to be friends with me.  I know his first priority is to his brother.  But I'm going to miss the friends I made here.  Tim, you were a really great friend.  I'm going to miss you.  Sorry if I ever did anything to piss you off or cause undue stress.  I thank you and your family so much for making me feel so welcome and loved.  I really wish it didn't end this way, and I'm so so sad, and I'm so sorry.  I really wanted to be a part of your family, and for that short time at Becky's wedding, I felt so amazingly wonderful at your hospitality and love.  I'm so sorry.  I love you guys so much.  Goodbye.

So, I saw Neil Diamond in concert last night.  He was fantastic.  He's one of those living legends who really appreciates his fans.  You can tell he loves every member of the croud.  It's crazy.  I've never been to a concert where the croud was such a big part of the show.  They'd often turn the house lights up so he could see the croud and their signs and stuff.  I even held up a lighter.  First lighter I've held up at a concert.  :P

Other than that, live has been a bit shitty.  Issues with the boyfriend.  I feel like he doesn't even want me anymore, and he doesn't work to even talk to me.  I know he's been busy with work, so it's not really his fault.  But after work, just to give me like... a 5 minute call and say "I love you and I  miss you," I'd appreciate it.  Also, we've spoken about 3 times in over a month.  There has to be something wrong there.  In a long distance relationship where your only means of communication is talking on the phone or on the computer, it's not really heartwarming when it seems like your boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you.  But what bothered me most about the whole fucking situation is the fact that on Thanksgiving (a day I know he had off), he didn't talk to me at all, when last year, it was the first time he told me he loved me.  Now, it seems to me that would be something you'd remember and just call up your girlfriend just to say I love you, just as a reminder of you know... the fact it was THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST TIME SAYING YOU LOVE ME!  I dunno... but I talked to him about it, and brought it up because it is a problem and it needs to be rectified, and he's basically been avoiding me for 6 days.  So, I really don't know what's going to happen.  Prospects are looking dim, though.  :/

FINALLY finished with final exams.  I think I did allright.  What sucks is my friend finished her finals last night, so to celebrate we went out.  Yeah, staying out late and then having to wake up, hung over and take a test isn't fun.  AT ALL!!!  Anyway, I got through.  Still kinda headachey, but I found that the greatest beer known to mankind is Chimay.  Goddamn, that's a great beer.  Expensive though.